Ever fallen and had the air knocked out of you?
I didn't fall yesterday, but I experienced this. The tightening of your chest. The burning in your lungs. The feeling as if all time and space has stopped. A kind of limbo, where you question your reality.
At my age, I should have been prepared for what happened. I have had the majority of my life to deal with it and live it. I'm almost mad at myself, for how it made me feel.
As most of you know, my baby, my first born is graduating high school this year. He is in the top of his graduating class. He is a pride for me. He, like all my children, is/are my life.
As most parents do, I am planning a party for anyone and everyone on his graduation day. I'm sure you noticed, I am a less frequent poster. Between work and all of this, I am finding less and less time to post. I'm okay with this, this is a big day for me too.
Anyway, I just assumed, being my first born and the family's first grand baby, that the family wouldn't miss this for the world. Invitations have all went out and I never gave it a second thought.
Until yesterday.
I brought it up, and never completed a full sentence about the purchase of Gentleman Jack. When I was cut-off by words that made the rest of our 4 hour visit disappear in my memory banks. I was surprised 4 hours later when I climbed in my car, to come home and realized so much time had passed. The words that cut me off in mid-sentence -
"We're not coming. We're going to Jersey."
It hurt beyond measure. The words were from my father, who was just in Jersey 2 weeks ago to visit my little sister. This day will never come again - and a regular visit is more important. I guess it was just another painful reminder of how divorce (my blood parents) is forever a thorn that says - you are insignificant. Worse yet, your child is insignificant.
My DH thought I should have said something. I didn't. I backed away, trying to catch my breath and talked to anyone, but him, for the rest of my grandfathers birthday. I did not let him know the immediate pain he caused. I struggled to hold it together, especially in the car for our long trip home.
It wasn't the first time. I'm pretty sure it won't be the last. I really just wish I could not care.
5 comments:
Just a perspective from far outside.
High school graduations are incredibly lame. Especially if they involve travel, it's a lot of hassle and cost for an incredibly impersonal ceremony that isn't that special in most families where everyone graduated from high school.
I'm guessing your son doesn't care. I graduated at the top of my class in high school, but no one traveled to see it. That was fine with me. I probably wouldn't have even gone except for my mom.
Maybe they are waiting for college, which is much more exciting and glamorous. Or maybe they just don't like graduations, which are all the expense and hassles of a wedding, with no food. Some people hate them, you know.
Regardless, I doubt it's as personal as you are making it. Maybe selfish, but not cruel-spirited.
It's not the commencements - it's the party they are not coming too. I wouldn't expect anyone to show at the over crowded gym.
There is a lot of back to this, but had it been my little 1/2 sister's son - they would blow us off to attend. It's about family, connections and love.
Divorce, seperates more then the 2 people that married. It forever leaves kids from that marriage on the outside of 2 other families - like limbo.
I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I was lucky. When I graduated highschool, I had mutliple uncles and aunts at my commencement and my party. My parents are divorced also and live in totally different states. My Dad, his wife, and his parents travelled up (18 hr drive) to go to my ceremony. It was importnant to me, and it made it all that much better that everyone was there.
I am sorry that your family did not see it as important. Don't dwell on it too much if you can, though. Just call him an @sshat when he's not around, make sure he knows that it's important when you do talk to him, and remember the important thing is that your child is graduating, not that your father isn't there.
I'm so sorry! I hope it doesn't make you too sad for your big day.
D - I am so sorry to hear this, that is just plain hurtful and ignorant of feelings. I have said a prayer to salve your emotional wound.
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